Hermione's Secret Lover
by Mr. Poopy Doopy
Summary: Well, I am really bad at summaries, so I won't even try, it would make it sound dumb, just read...trust me...WARNING: this story includes slash and interspecies dating (for later in the story) do not read if you don't like that.
1. The Mysterious Message

Disclaimer: own nothing I tell you! None of these characters that I made do 'special' things, none of it, so leave me alllooooooonee!!!!!!!!  
  
Chapter 1: The Mysterious Message  
  
Hermione made her way through the great hall towards the Griffyndor table to have breakfast with Harry and Ron, who had migrated to the Great Hall earlier that morning. The two boys were deep in conversation when Hermione arrived, unnoticed. Ron was going on about something or another that had happened earlier that morning.  
  
". . .and then, when I turned around to flush, I caught a glimpse of something shiny."  
  
"Was it what I think it was?" Harry inquired eagerly.  
  
"Nah mate, I'm sorry, I still haven't found your glasses in my crap." Harry lost his enthusiasm in the matter when Ron said that, and instead became very angry. "You're such an idiot Ron! I told you that they'd get stuck!"  
  
Ron laughed to himself, knowing very well that Harry's glasses had safely exited his digestive system in a very painful bowl movement that nearly ripped the lining of his butt.  
The original plan had been to give the glasses back to Harry once they were back, but Ron found it hilarious when Harry ran into walls, people, and other various objects. That and the fact that he went through so much pain just for Harry's glasses was reason enough to keep them for a little bit longer.  
  
"Yes, but do you want to know what I found or not?" Ron asked Harry.  
  
" I suppose." Harry replied while trying to calm down a bit.  
  
"OK then!" Ron said happily, and continued telling his story. "Well, since I am attracted to shiny things, I decided to find out what it was. . .So, I scooped out the turd that is was slightly buried in, I put it on the floor, and dug in! I don't know how it got in there, but inside the piece of crap, was my dad's glass eye that he lost last year. . .Do ya wanna see it?!" Ron asked, obviously wanting to show someone his glorious turd treasure.  
  
"Ron! That's sick!" Hermione shrieked, shuddering at the thought of Ron searching through a piece of crap and finding an eye, the boys finally realizing she was there.  
  
"Oh, hi Hermione." Harry said smiling and acting as if they hadn't been talking about Ron's crap. "Sit down, breakfast should be here soon." Hermione took a seat across from them, constantly glaring at Ron in disgust.  
  
Food appeared on the tables and the three friends began pigging out on breakfast items. Then, in a flash, hundreds of owls filled the Great Hall, delivering mail to the students. Three owls came towards Harry, Ron, and Hermione. One of them was carrying the Daily Prophet, and the other had a light blue envelope clenched in its beak.  
  
Hermione took out her shotgun and killed the owl that had delivered the Daily Prophet and muttered, "Little bastards will never get my money!" She took the newspaper and tossed the dead owl onto a pile of rotting owls that had also wanted money from her. The second owl began inching away, apparently scared for its life. Hermione took notice to this and grabbed the owl by its feathery little neck just as it was about to fly away. "Good Birdies who don't ask for money from me don't get shot. There is no reason to fear me." Hermione reassured the trembling owl as she took the letter and released her grasp from around its neck.  
  
Just as it was getting ready to take off in flight, Ron stole the shotgun from Hermione and fired at it, killing the innocent bird instantly. "Oops!" Hermione exclaimed "Did I forget to mention that you should fear Ron though? He just has something against owls." Hermione added cackling madly as she threw the bloody bird on the top of the pile. "Ten points for that one Ron!" Hermione said as she reached across the table to give Ron a high five.  
  
The third owl, which was still hovering in the air, had witnessed everything. So, instead of swooping down to deliver the magazine that it had to Harry personally, the owl simply dropped it down, without even collecting the fee, and flew off at a very high speed.  
  
"Oh don't you worry my little feathery friend, we'll get you next time! No bird will ever fly away from us and live a full life. . .NEVER!" Hermione shouted to the bird in a sort of possessed sounding voice that was heard throughout the Great Hall. People began looking at her like she was some sort of mental person, so she just smiled and waved, pretending like nothing out of the ordinary had occurred.  
  
"Hey Ron! Guess what!" Harry said excitedly when he realized what the magazine was. "I got this month's issue of Playgirl!" Harry squealed in a very gay sounding voice. ~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_ ~_~_~  
  
(A/N: No, I did not mean Playboy, this was not an error. It appears that the-boy-who-lived happens to like other boys. Oh wowsers!)  
  
~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_ ~_~_~  
  
"Oh joy!" Ron exclaimed, obviously anxious to have a look at it. ~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_ ~_~_~  
  
(A/N: sorry, this will be my last a/n that interrupts the story. So, I figured, Harry's gay. . .why shouldn't Ron be gay too? However, in no way are they lovers. . .that would only be awkward. They just go boy scouting together, talk about their most recent crushes , and other stuff that is really irrelevant to my story.) ~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_ ~_~_~  
  
Harry turned the pages quickly, on a mission to get to the center- fold to have a look at Mr. September.  
  
"Oh wow!" He squealed as he unfolded the picture. "Ron. . .Hermione!" He had a hint of terror in his voice. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't Mr. September's long silvery beard and half moon glasses look familiar?" Harry said, hoping that the similarities were just a coincidence.  
  
"Ewww!" Hermione shrieked. "I really never wanted to see my head master's 'package!'" Hermione exclaimed in disgust as she turned away and covered her eyes. Doing that was pointless, for she already had the image etched into her mind, with every tiny detail showing clearly.  
  
Harry threw the issue of Playgirl onto the pile of owls. Ron ran over to retrieve it, saying that he hadn't got to read the jokes yet, but it was obvious to Harry that Ron, in some sick, perverse way, was attracted to Dumbledore. Harry didn't say anything about it though, he just let Ron think what he wanted.  
  
Once she knew it was absolutely safe, Hermione finally opened her eyes and saw the blue envelope that, in all the excitement, she had forgotten about. She picked it up and examined it. There was nothing anywhere to indicate what it may be. So, out of curiosity, she opened it. Inside was a folded up piece of paper. She unfolded it and read it to herself.  
  
"How bizarre!" she gasped.  
  
There ya go! Chapter 1, wasn't it beautiful. . . I don't care if you don't think it was, I do. Please review! 


	2. Cryptic Codes

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the other characters that appear in my story. . .that makes me sad :( . Oh well, at the rate I'm going, you all should be happy that I don't own Harry Potter!  
  
A/N: Yayers! I finally finished this chapter the other day *does victory dance*. . .but, I don't know, it's just not that funny, that makes me sad, yet again. . .and you know what else makes me sad?! That people aren't reviewing! The only two people that have reviewed were the two that I had to bribe into reviewing (not really, they did it on their own free will, but they only did it because they are my 'special' little friends) Please review if you read this story, it will make me happy, and I may even continue writing the story. . .I may even write a little faster, knowing that I have adoring fans, that, or people who can't stand my story, but whether you hate it or love it or like it, REVIEW! *makes pouty face* you see, I even made the pouty face :)  
  
Chapter 2: The Cryptic Code  
  
"Whbt's bo dizbar?" Ron asked, his voice muffled because of the fact that he was busy kissing the picture of their headmaster.  
  
"Ron! That is seriously disturbing! You could at least wait until you are alone, in the privacy of your own bed to snog the magazine to death!" Said a disgusted Hermione. "Now, could you please take your mouth off of the magazine and tell me what you said during your snog-fest?!" Hermione demanded, more so than asked.  
  
Ron pulled his face away from the picture, which was now dripping with saliva. "oh, yeah, sure." Ron complied and asked his question once more, this time much more clearly "I said: What's so bizarre?"  
  
"Oh, that! Thanks for reminding me, I had nearly forgotten about it." Ron, and his disturbing ways had obviously distracted Hermione earlier. "The note I got. . . here, read it." Hermione handed the letter to Ron, who read it and gasped.  
  
"Whoever wrote this note must have been smoking a whole truck load of crack." Ron said as he passed the letter to Harry.  
  
"What's this?" Harry asked, very confused.  
  
"Harry, haven't you been listening to our conversation at all?" Ron asked his discombobulated friend.  
  
"Not really." Harry replied  
  
"Then what HAVE you been doing this whole time?! What is so important that you wouldn't want to listen to ME, the wonderful Hermione talk?! Every word I say should be cherished by you two, because I am the most intellectual, amazing person you know!" Hermione shouted, flattering herself a wee bit too much.  
  
"Well, I've. . .err. . .I haven't been doing anything, really" Harry answered in a very unconvincing tone of voice.  
  
It just so happens that while Ron and Hermione were talking about the letter, Harry had been rubbing his man-boobs seductively while winking at Neville. Neville had been licking his lips in a suggestive manner, in return.  
  
"Ok, sure, we believe you." Ron said through many *coughs*. "Just read the letter that I gave you, and tell us what you think." Harry read the letter through once, and then another time, to get the information straight in his mind.  
  
"Well?. . ." Hermione began.  
  
"I do believe that this letter has been written in code!" Harry said, happy with himself because he had come up with a smart answer.  
  
"Code?! It just looked like scribbles to me. Let me see it again." Harry passed the letter to Hermione, who looked at it once again. "What kind of messed up code is it then, Harry?" Hermione inquired.  
  
"It appears to be written in Hieroglyphics, an ancient Egyptian's way of writing."  
  
"I know what Hieroglyphics are! I'm not an idiot like you guys are!" Hermione said, outraged at the fact that Harry had informed her of something, as if she was a mindless, drooling, bluderhead like everyone else in the world. "But, Harry, dear, these don't look like any Hieroglyphics I've ever seen." Hermione said slowly and sweetly, as if speaking to a three-year-old, or someone with the mental stature of a three year old. "What do you think Ron?. . .RON?!"  
  
"Huh? What's going on now? Ron asked, oblivious to the current conversation topic. He had been too busy writing something to listen to what was said.  
  
"What's that paper say mate?" Harry asked while scratching his butt vigorously.  
  
"Oh, this letter. . .err. . .nothing!" Ron stammered, obviously hiding something from them.  
  
Hermione snatched the paper from Ron, and began to read it out loud.  
  
"Editor's of Playgirl:  
  
I received this month's issue of Playgirl, and found that Mr. September is quite attractive with his gorgeous, silvery locks of hair, and his saggy man-boobs. I would LOVE to see more of Mr. September in later issues. . ."  
  
Ron grabbed the paper from Hermione, and tore it into many pieces before she could read anymore. Ron stuffed the bits of paper into his mouth, and swallowed them in one large gulp. "So, what did you guys want?" Ron asked, after gulping some water to wash the bits of paper that were sticking to his throat down.  
  
"I asked what you thought about the hieroglyphics idea." Said Hermione.  
  
"Oh, that." Ron said, somewhat remembering talking about it earlier. "I think that we should check out a book from the library on Ancient Egypt, and find out if it is anything like Hieroglyphics."  
  
"Wow!" said a ver surprised Hermione. "You actually said something intelligent, remind me to give you a dog biscuit later." Hermione told Ron.  
  
"Dog biscuit?! Where, where, where?" Ron asked, his eyes darting around the Great Hall.  
  
"I will give it to you later, when we go back to the common room." Hermione assured Ron, while patting his head.  
  
"Do I get a doggy treat too?" Harry asked excitedly, his butt wagging back and forth quickly.  
  
"No!" Hermione said evilly "Only good little idiots get a doggy treat, not bad ones who haven't ever said anything intelligent in their life."  
  
"But I was the on who had the idea of it being written in hieroglyphics!" Harry stated.  
  
At this, Hermione caulked the shot gun, which had been sitting on her lap the whole time, pointed it at Harry and said, " No! It was I who came up with the idea of it being written in hieroglyphics!"  
  
Harry opened his mouth, about to protest, when Hermione began putting pressure on the trigger and said, "I was the one. Wasn't I, Harry?!"  
  
Harry complied and meekly said, "Yes, Hermione."  
  
"That's a good boy Harry!" Hermione said happily. "Perhaps I will give you a tiny crumb off of a dog treat for that." At this, Harry began bouncing around joyfully, thanking Hermione for her greatness.  
  
"There, there, my little drooling monkeys." Hermione said as she put Harry and Ron's leashes on. "Its off to the library with us." She said joyfully, skipping to the library, with the two boys following close behind.  
  
A/N See! What did I tell ya?! It wasn't as funny as the last chapter, I guess I was just not in the "mood for humor" when I was writing it. I will try to make the next chapter better. . .trust me! Anyway, thanks to my two reviewers: K.D. Toling and S.D. Chesko! Yay for you two! See? If you other people would have reviewed sooner, you could have been mentioned in my story, but you didn't, so Na na na na na naaaaaaaaaa *sticks tongue out*  
  
K.D. Toling: You should be scared. . .bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!  
  
S.D. Chesko: Threaten me again, and I'll hunt you down, and nibble on your toes until you've seen the error of your evil ways!!! *cackles like a mad- person on crack* 


	3. A HalfWitted Ron

Chapter 3: A Half-witted Ron  
  
Hello! It is I, Mr. Poopy Doopy, here to corrupt your mind through my writing. I am so happy, YAY! You see, I even went yay. I got two reviews from people who don't know me personally! That makes me happy, which is why I am now posting chapter three! Bwahahahahahaha, feel my evil, psychotic wrath taint your very mind as you read this mindless dribble, of which I call a 'magical' story-type-thingy. Well, this chapter was good, until like the last part, because I didn't know what to write so I wrote the first thing that came to my idiotic mind. Ok, now, on to the story!! *People cheer knowing that I am going to FINALLY shut up.  
  
"Okay my little puppets. I am sending you on two separate missions. If you fail to complete them, I shall be forced to take you to my new 'My Do-It-Yourself Gallows Kit , which I just recently finished construction of, and I am now searching for test subjects." Hermione cackles evilly after she explained the consequences.  
  
"Harry, Ron, huddle!" She yelled as she pulled both of the boys towards her, and pushed their heads down. "Harry, your mission, if you choose to accept, and you better because if you don't, I will be forced to savagely beat you with an assortment of frozen meat and/or fish, is to scour the library, looking for all the books that have anything to do with Egyptian writing, culture, etc. Now, Harry, do you accept this mission?" Hermione looked like she was ready to make a mad dash to the freezers, he agreed, reluctantly, to do this task.  
  
"That's a good boy, Harry, perhaps you will get a WHOLE dog treat now!" Hermione encouraged him. "Now, Ron, your mission, if you choose to accept it, and you better because if you don't, I will nibble on your toes playfully, is to conjure up a hammock and fetch me some fresh lemonade with exactly four ice cubes and one of those cute little umbrellas."  
  
"Hey! He got the easy task!" Shouted and outraged Harry.  
  
"Yes, I realize that. In fact, I did it on purpose. I trust you more, Harry. I feel that you have quite a bit more competence than Ron over there does." She made a pointing gesture over towards Ron, who was sucking on his thumb and humping a library chair as he whistled a happy tune.  
  
"Do you really mean that?!" Harry asked, with tears streaming down him cheeks, because what Hermione had said really touched him and made him feel really good about himself.  
  
"No, of course not! The truth is, I like Ron better than you, so I show who my favorite is. Plus, I don't really want to nibble on your toes, I've seen the fungus and corns on your feet, and that' just nasty!" Hermione shuddered as she thought of Harry's infected feet. "So off you go, my little idiot, and you better be quick, or I may enforce a strict punishment!" Hermione laughed to herself at the pathetic boys who had nothing better to do than listening to her, as Harry and Ron scurried off, determined on finishing their missions as quickly as possible.  
  
Ron had already conjured up the hammock and was now off to fetch the lemonade. So, while Hermione waited impatiently for her drink, she decided to do something productive. She reached into her book bag and pulled out her picture of Snape dancing on a table in a sparkly, purple thong. As Snape moved around doing his little dance moves, his undersized underwear showed little bits and pieces of him that no normal person would want to see. Hermione giggled fondly as she tickled the private parts of Snape in the picture. Just as she was doing that, Ron came running towards her, clumsily spilling lemonade everywhere. Ron finally arrived at Hermione's side, with about ½ of her lemonade missing, and shoved the drink towards her in haste, spilling some of the liquid on her picture of Snape.  
  
"Oh no! I'm so sorry!" Ron exclaimed as he grabbed the picture to wipe it off.  
  
"No! It's ok Ron, really. Just give me back my senseless photograph of the mounds of books that I own." Hermione attempted to snatch the picture from Ron before he could see it.  
  
"No, it's ok Hermione, I spilled on it, I can wipe it off on my own." Ron flipped the picture right side up and was about to wipe it off with his shirt, when he realized what it was. "Whoa, this is weird." Ron said as he watched Snape dance.  
  
"Oh my gosh!" Hermione exclaimed. "Ron, I'm so sorry you had to see that. You must think that I'm the biggest pervert in the world."  
  
"Actually, what I meant was that it was weird that you like Snape too. I thought I was the only one who thought he was hot! I could never talk to Harry about it though, because I knew he would get mad because, well, you know. . . the whole 'they hate each other' thing. Now we can talk about it together!" Ron cried happily as he jumped up and down, while clapping his hands and smiling like an overly happy person.  
  
"Like, oh my gosh! That would be like, so supercoolioushular! (A/N: sorry people, the valley girl inside took over, please forgive me sooner or later () Hermione said excitedly as they hugged each other, while up and down psychotically. Harry, who ever-so-conveniently happened to be in the row of shelves closest to them, heard the ruckus and looked over to find them hugging. "Ron! Hermione!" Her dropped the pile of books he was carrying, surprised by the spectacle of his two friends of different genders, one of which was gay, hugging each other. "What's going on you two?! Ron, were you lying when you told me that you were gay?!" Harry asked.  
  
"No, it's not what it looks like, Harry. Hermione just told me that she was pregnant, so I hugged her, in a friendly way, that's all." Hermione looked surprised when Ron blurted out the first excuse he could think of for their embracing, without giving away the fact that they both had the hots for Snape.  
  
"Hermione! Is her telling me the truth?! Wow! Who's the father?" Harry just kept on asking questions that went unanswered as Hermione just stood there, too shocked to move. "When did you find out?" Harry asked.  
  
"Well, remember that other day when she started feeling real sick? Later that day, Pomfrey told her the news." Ron said, seeming to have all the answers to Harry's questions.  
  
"But, I thought that Madam Pomfrey told her that it was just constipation . . . I mean, she even came back with the laxative." Harry said remembering that day clearly.  
  
"It was just a cover up story so no one would know" Ron replied, matter-of-factly.  
  
"Oh!" Said Harry, seeming to understand whet he was talking about.  
  
Hermione finally spoke and said, trying to change the subject "So, Harry, are you done with your task yet?"  
  
"Yes, I had just finished, when I saw you two hugging from the distance."  
  
"Ok then! Let's go back to the common room and try to sort out this message mess of mine."  
  
Hermione told Harry to go ahead, and get started while she had a little chat with Ron. " How could you say that?! That was probably one of the dumbest things you've said in you life!"  
  
"Hey! It's not my fault you got pregnant!" Ron yelled back in defense.  
  
Ron, you idiot! I'm not pregnant, you only lied and said I WAS!" Hermione shouted, angry at Ron's stupidity.  
  
"Well, what are you going to do about your problem then?" Ron asked.  
  
"WHAT AM I GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?!" Hermione screamed outraged by Ron's short memory. "It's more like, what are YOU going to do about it! Oh, and no doggy treat for you. . .EVER!" Hermione ran off like someone who lost control of their legs.  
  
Ron was confused, so he sat down on the floor and tried to get thing strait in his mind. As he was doing this, he saw a neon green envelope lying on the floor. He picked it up, and on the outside, there was one, solitary word written on the front. . ."Hermione."  
  
A/N: Well, there ya go! Chapter three, fresh off the barby. The ending was a little lame, but I couldn't think of anything else to write, so you must put up with it bwahahahahaha!!  
  
Thanks to my reviewers:  
  
S.D. Chesko: Yes, yes, I used your magical word, just in a different way, as you already said. I will always nibble on your toes *wink wink* *growls seductively* I figured you would like the letter to playgirl, knowing that it is you favorite magazine, I know about your stash in the drawer closest to the cabinet type thingy, not that I've ever looked through them or anything, or, as you might say "read the jokes".  
  
Emma and keli: I am slightly frightened that you have the same sense of humor as I do *shudders at the thought* I am scared of myself sometimes. By the way, your story was amusing too. Very amusing.  
  
Renny: *while nibbling on a pot brownie* Yep, you were right about these, mmmm, they are tasty. It wasn't Hustler because (I'm not sure about this) they are girls, and then Dumbledore wouldn't be in it and it would just make me sad. I was sooooo happy when I saw that you updated your story, it is awesome!  
  
Ok people, please, please, please review, it will make me happy! 


	4. Lockets and Socks

Hello! I'm done with chapter 4!! *skips around merrily* Yayers! This chapter was done quite quickly, so it may not be perfect, please forgive me *grovels at the feet of readers and begins nibbling on their toes* Mmmm.tasty toes! But, as my dear S.D. Chesko knows, her toes are the best tasting out of all the toes in the world, except, perhaps, K.D. Tolings.I drool at the thought (hee hee, just kidding K.D. I know I've never nibbled your toes, don't kill me) Anyway, now, on to the story!!!!! *cackles evilly*  
  
Chapter 4: Lockets and Socks  
  
"Hermione! Hermione! Looky at what I found!" Ron said excitedly as he came through the portrait hole, waving the envelope around in the air doing a sort of dance that resembled the ever-so-popular potty dance.  
  
Hermione looked over towards the voice, but when she realized who it was, she turned back and ignored the little bouncing fireball, which was Ron, and continued looking through the books that Harry found on Egyptian ways.  
  
Noticing that she probably wasn't going to rush over to him and excitedly as what was so important, Ron bounded over to Hermione, skipping happily. He tossed the envelope on Hermione's lap and said, "I found it in the library. Look! It says you name on it!" Ron said excitedly, hoping that this good thing that he did would make Hermione happier with him.  
  
Out of curiosity, Hermione opened the envelope. It contained tow things. Hermione first took out the letter, and read through it a fist time. "It's from the same person." She gasped when she finished it.  
  
"Oh, oh! Read it to us Hermione!" Harry said, as he peed himself from the excitement. "Actually, could you wait until I clean myself and get changed?" Harry asked as he dashed off to the dormitory to change his clothes. He looked around his trunk, searching desperately for something to wear. Just then, he realized that it was laundry day and all of his clothes were being washed. "Oh crap!" Harry said as he searched for ANYTHING to wear. "Hmmm" Harry thought about his only choice and figured that it was, in some strange way, better than walking around all day with piss stains on his pants and cloak.  
  
Hermione and Ron burst out into laughter as their friend came down the stairs, wearing only a pink, fuzzy sock that Dobby had given him for Christmas over the essentials, held up by a solitary strand of baby blue yarn. "Nice outfit Harry" Ron said through many giggles and snorts. "Harry, just a tiny question," Hermione said through a fit of laughter, "Do you have anything covering your butt?!" She motioned for him to turn around. With quite a bit of protest, Harry turned around, slowly, so nothing would pop out of the sock, to reveal his buttocks, which was merely painted pink, to match the sock. At the sight of that, his two friends nearly wet themselves too.  
  
Just then, the portrait hole slammed shut, and Seamus walked in upon the three of them. Who, if you ask me, were in quite an awkward position. With Ron and Hermione googling at Harry's 'outfit'.  
  
Seamus, seeming to be turned on by Harry's outfit, ran up and slapped Harry's butt repeatedly, watching it jiggle every time, and laughing idiotically.  
  
"Umm. . .Seamus" Hermione began "We are kind of having a private conversation, could you please stop slapping Harry's but and leave?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure." Seamus pinched Harry's butt, and was about to leave, when he got a brilliant idea. He ran behind Harry, and untied the yarn, which was keeping the sock up. Harry was completely exposed form the waist down. Everyone shrieked and turned away in horror.  
  
"Ahhhhh! It's the attack of the tiny, green dick!" Ron screamed as he covered his eyes in fright. Harry, whose face was as red as a tomato, quickly pulled his sock over his (A/N: Should I say it? It would rhyme. Ok, I will) cock, and tied the string hastily. (A/N: I just can't help it, I like to rhyme, it makes me feel special when things in my story rhymes)  
  
"Is it safe to look?" Hermione asked as she peered meekly through her hands. "Ok, it is. He's got his sock on." Ron and Seamus opened their eyes, and let out a sigh of relief at the sight of a as-covered-as- possible-at-the-time Harry.  
  
"Well, ok you guys, I'm sorry about that. I'll go now. Oh, and Harry. . ." Seamus ran over to Harry again, and whispered in his ear, "I'll se you tonight, my little tiny dicked wonder." At that, Seamus ran off to the dorm to do God-knows-what to God-knows-who.  
  
Harry sat down and asked once again for Hermione to read them the letter. "Oh yes, that. Ok, Here is goes. . ." Hermione began to read the letter.  
  
"Dearest Hermione,  
  
I am having someone else write these letters for me, so you will not be able to recognize my writing, and for another reason, which I dare not say. I watch you, admiringly, every day, I adore every move you make. I would love some day to brush your hair out though. That big, bushy mess sometimes frightens me. I am afraid that it may swallow a small child any day now, but you hairiness is irrelevant to the reason I am writing. If you are reading this letter, you obviously found my clue in the first note. (There will be clues to the next letter in every letter, and finally, one day, when I gather up the nerve, I will write you one final letter, giving my name) You had obviously found out that the last one was written in Hieroglyphics, and this note was hidden in the book titled, What Drugs Were Egyptians Doing When They Came Up With Hieroglyphics? The clue for this letter can be found in the other item, which I hope is to your liking.  
  
Your Little Snuggle Pooh."  
  
"Well. . ." Harry began as he cautiously held his sock close to him "That explains things a little better, I guess."  
  
"What is the other thing in the envelope?" Ron asked eagerly. Hermione lifted a silver locket in the shape of a piece of crap out of the envelope. "Oh, shiny!" Ron said mesmerized by the glow of the silver.  
  
"Oh, look, there's an engraving on the front. It says: From Snuggle Pooh XOX." Hermione opened the locket, and in doing so, a little folded up piece of paper fell to the ground. Hermione picked it up, and unfolded it carefully. "It looks like a picture of a classroom." Hermione said "It looks somewhat familiar, but I just can't remember where I've seen a classroom like this before."  
  
Ron sighed, "Here we go again!"  
  
(a/n: wasn't it gorgeous? Of course, I know y'all loved it, and now y'all are asking for more, (in country hick voice) well, in order to git more, ya gotta review this here story, it ain't matter if ya hate it, review anyway and tell me what ya hated most! Thank you to my adoring fans and my drug dealer Renny!  
  
S.D. Chesko: I am very amazed that you were speechless, wow! You are always talking and I, the Great Poopy, made you stop! I am honored. *begins nibbling on your toes*  
  
Renny: Thanks for the heroin, it really spiced up me and S.D.'s nibble fest. I speak like a valley girl and sometimes it shows in the way I write, I try to hide it though, and was doing good. . .until HERMIONE!! Damn her!!!!!! 


	5. The Birthing Pillow

*Does a happy jig* I finished the chapter!!! Yay! Oh well, no little introduction this time, just straight to the story! ¡ALERT!: this is my longest chapter yet!!! Try not to fall asleep while reading *pleads with puppy dog eyes*  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing!. . .but I like to make people do really strange crap, so I created this monster of a story.brewhahahahahaha!!!  
  
Chapter 5:  
  
Ron sat on the couch with Harry stroking his hair as they waited for Hermione to arrive and tell them what was so important.  
  
Harry sighed. He was missing his alone time with Seamus. They had planned a romantic afternoon of clipping each other's toenails and later eating them at a cheap-thrift-store-lamp lit dinner. Harry thought to himself, "Sure, Seamus is a bit cheap, but when I see his hair-covered butt, I know that money doesn't matter. Only the wild monkey sex does." He grinned as he thought of how they used bananas one night, and placed them back in the kitchen to be served to unsuspecting students when they were done. He now began cackling evilly when he remembered that Ron was one of the lucky people to receive their nasty bananas.  
"Harry, what's with you?" Ron was a bit frightened by his friend's cackling fit.  
"Oh, me, nothing. It's just the result of drugs to my brain."  
Ron shrugged and thought about breakfast a few days ago. He began drooling. He normally didn't eat bananas, but this particular banana looked delicious, and it was.  
  
Hermione climbed in through the portrait hole, taking Ron's mind off the banana. Ron and Harry gaped at Hermione, whose stomach had grown quite a bit in an hour. Ron began snorting and laughing.  
"Oh my goodness Hermione! How far along are you now?" Harry asked while gazing at Hermione's huge and somewhat lumpy stomach. Before she could answer his first question, he went on, "Hey, Hermione, I'm telling you this as a friend. . .from the shape of your stomach, I wouldn't be surprised if the kid has a birth defect and winds up coming out with webbed feet and an arm sticking out of it's head.  
  
Hermione's face turned a bright red and she muttered something under her breath.  
"What was that, Hermione?" inquired Harry.  
"Oh, I just said: You guys will never believe what I found out" She answered in a matter-of-fact tone, because she's just like that and all. . . and whatever. . .yeah.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* A/N: Sorry, don't mind that last bit. . .I'm dumb. . . but at least I admit it! ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*  
  
"You found out who the father was?!" Harry asked excitedly. "Umm. . .no, still don't know who the bastard was, mate." Ron answered for Hermione, who was again beginning to look like a rotten, hairy tomato. Regaining her senses, Hermione said in a nice, happy little voice that my psychiatrist uses on me, "No, silly!" she started giggling sweetly, and then stopped when everyone look frightened of her mental stability. "I've found the classroom the picture had been taken in!" Ron and Harry began jumping up and down like idiots. Seeing the jolly good time the gay boys were having, Hermione felt she needed to join in on the merry-making fun.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* A/N: No, I am not ok. . .that sentence freaks me out. It's all happy and joyful. That's not even what I had written down on my paper. I just had a sudden urge to write happy things *shudders* I am scared. *begins biting toe nails* I'm so scared *snot runs down nose* Oh well, back to the story! If you dare. . .Just dare DAMNIT! I just felt like saying that to add a certain amount of dramatic effect. Did it work?? Hmmm. . .note to self: Ponder thought later and let readers continue without your dumb author's notes. *flips off voice inside my head* Fuck off! I told you to go away and to not talk anymore! Anyway, continuing now. . .not that I'm taking the advice of the voice in my head. . .I'm my own person and I can do stuff without that loser telling me to! *begins rocking back and forth while sucking on thumb* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~* Suddenly, a soaking wet pillow popped out of Hermione's shirt, causing her stomach to lose its largeness. Harry stopped jumping around and stared at the drool-covered pillow and then up to Hermione. Ron, finally taking notice of this stopped bouncing merrily and began to quickly think of an excuse for the pillow. "OH MY GOD!!! HARRY!! HER WATER BROKE! We've got to get her to Madam Pomfrey!  
  
Harry, letting the blonde hair within the jet black dye show, began to run around frantically, stopping every so often to gaze down in disgust at Hermione's "water" that was really just a drool-covered pillow. "Gosh, it's a good thing Harry didn't have permission to watch those educational videos that we all watched about 'growing up and the changes involved,' although, he'd probably be doing the same thing even if he did" Hermione thought to herself. Harry grabbed Hermione's arm and rushed her off to the hospital wing, warning her "not to pinch off the baby too soon." Ron followed closely behind, cackling the whole time at the things he had done to Hermione. The three Gryffindors arrived at the door at the entrance of the hospital nearly breathless because of the rate at which they were running. Right as Ron opened the door, a cloud of smoke puffed out. "What's going on here?!" Ron asked as he looked around the smoke filled room and sniffed the air.  
  
"Hey Pomfrey! If I squint my eyes, your third nipple kind of looks like my grandma." A mysterious voice from within the smoke said. At that statement, a few people began giggling and snorting.  
  
"Hey! I think I see little bunnies in there. . . they are eating the cute wittle polar bears" Ron said happily as he frolicked into the room. Hermione rummaged through her bookbag, pulled out a gas mask, and put it on. The only time she did drugs was with Crookshanks; he was real wild when he was stoned. Hermione entered the room and walked towards the area where the voices were coming from. Harry followed her, skipping merrily. Hermione shielded her eyes in horror at what she saw before her. Dumbledore, McGonagle, Madam Pomfrey, and Ron were all sitting in a circle around a bong, completely naked. Harry gave a squeal of joy at that sight, threw off his clothes in a hurry, and took a seat next to Dumbledore, who was busy rubbing Ron's chest and giggling like a little school girl.  
  
After taking another puff of marijuana, McGonalgle leapt onto Madam Pomfrey and stared a tickle war with her. Hermione chuckled to herself, "So this is what goes on at those 'staff meeting' that Dumbledore announces all the time. Just as Pomfrey was about to pull Hermione into the tickle fight, Hermione grabbed Ron and ran out of the room in a hurry. Just then, she remembered that Harry was in there still. After thinking about running back in the room, risking safety, she decided upon leaving him in there, letting the crack-heads do what they wanted with him.  
  
It was getting late, so Hermione decided to take Ron back to the common room. He was too stoned to be of any help in the search for the clue in the classroom. Just as they entered the common room, Ron passed out. "Oh well" Hermione thought "As long as I'm not the one sleeping on the floor, vulnerable to the possibility of being raped by that horny bastard, Neville, I'm fine." So she made her was up to her room, leaving Ron sleeping on the cold floor.  
  
After a long night's sleep in the comfort of her own warm, cozy bed, Hermione made her way down the stairs in to the common room. She gasped in horror at the sight she saw before her.  
  
Obviously, Ron had awaken during the night and had a real wild time. It appeared that he had found the hard liquor that was hidden in the school's kitchen. (A/N: I always know they had liquor hidden in Hogwarts somewhere. How could teachers stand all the whiney, snot-faces, students without having a drink every once in a while?!) Bottles were lying all over the place and Ron was sitting in the lounge chair by the fire, finishing off the last big of booze. He wiped his mouth and threw the bottle into the fire. But the fact that Ron had been drinking was not what horrified Hermione. All over the common room, there were balloons and streamers, and above the fireplace, hung a banner that said, "Congratulations Hermione, It's a boy!"  
  
Hermione let out a blood curling scream that could be heard throughout the castle.  
  
~* In the boys bathroom *~  
  
"Goyle, do you think these pink, spandex pants make my butt look big?" Malfoy asked lazily as he gazed into his silver and green full-length mirror. "I'm too sexy for my clothes" Malfoy grinned as he thought about getting a matching pair of stiletto heels. Just as he was applying lipstick to his teeth, there was a loud scream echoing throughout the castle.  
  
~* Back to the common room *~  
  
(A/N: See! I told you it was heard throughout the castle! *sticks tongue out at the non believers*)  
  
At the realization that Hermione was there, Ron turned toward her and bean counting to three. "One. . . " "Ron, what the hell is wrong with you?!" "Two. . ." :Seriously, Ron, you're starting to scare me!" Hermione was about to run away when Ron finally said, "Three!" At once, all the Gryffindors popped out and yelled, "SURPRISE!" Hermione turned around and faced the group of people. "What should I tell them?" She asked herself frantically.  
  
Ron hobbled over to her and said, "Worry not. Planned, I have." Then he let out a huge belch that echoed through the room. Suddenly, silence filled the room as Ron prepared to make his speech. "Friends and family that belong to Hermi Grangi" He was then interrupted by a small 2nd year girl. "She has no friends! We just wanted to have a part in Hermione's big screw-up. We just wanted to make her life more miserable than it already is!" She then addressed the crowd, "See here! The many enemies that she has is solid proof of why you never want to be teacher pet, smart- alec bitches like Hermione!" A loud applause erupted, and the girl sat back down proudly.  
  
Ron then continued on. "Even though you're right smart with your thinking, and true is everything you said, I need to make a fucking announcement.so shut the hell up!! As I was saying, before the whiney-ass bitch opened her fat mouth, I have gathered you here today to announce the marriage of Hermione and Neville! No. . .that's not right." Ron thought what he was going to say but could not seem to remember. "Oh well! I forgot what I was going to say, but there's beer and cake over there in the corner!" He said happily as he rushed off to grab some grub for himself.  
  
Hermione marched over to Ron in a fit of anger and said, "Didn't you have something to say about being pregnant?!" Ron thought for a second, "Oh yeah! How could I have forgotten?!" He raised his voice to address the crowd again. "Did I mention that Hermione is pregnant?!" At this, Hermione burst. "No, you fucking idiot of a friend! I'm not pregnant!" An outburst of words such as "Abortion" and "Miscarriage" were heard throughout the room. "Argh!! Are you all morons?! I'm not pregnant, and I never was!" Hermione ran off to her dormitory over-dramatically, leaving the baffled crowd behind. "Damn that perfect, never-do-wrong bastard!" Shouted the outraged 2nd year. The group began to leave, grumbling disappointedly. "Oh well! More food for me!" Thought a happy Ron as he made his way back to the cake. Just as he was about to take a bit out of the delicious looking cake, the portrait hole opened and Harry stumbled in.  
  
"Hey mate, what happened to you?" Ron asked as Harry made his way toward him with a mysterious look in his eye.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*  
  
A/N: There you have it! The fifth chapter up by a date quite later than I said it would be up by *is ashamed* but if it helps my case any, I had it written by the right date, but I am just a lazy person *giggles* Eh, sorry I haven't updated in so long. It's just that I've been putting off writing the story for awhile. . .I was kinda confused as to where I was going with the story, but I think I've got it sorted out. As an added bonus to my thousands (Ok, so I'm in denial) of reviews: If there's something you want to see happen in the next chapter, just include it in your review and I'll put it in there. . .no matter how strange and unusual. Make some completely random crap. And now, thanks to my reviewers. . .except tanthalas36 because I hate him. . .evil person!  
  
Psycho-Monkey: You suck, never change! *taunts* I have my own drug dealer! You're never speechless. . . don't lie!  
  
Renny: I don't know. . .perhaps it is Snape *cackles evilly* I guess you'll just have to read on. . .if you dare! *scary music plays in background* 


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